More than Just Advice: The Art of Being Heard

Introduction: The Reluctant Guide

Let’s get one thing straight out the gate. I am not a guru, nor do I have a magic formula to fix all the problems in your life. There are many life coaches, life fixers, therapists, etc., that promise you they have a formula or a program that will fix everything in your life. I feel like the problems in our life help us to grow, but also make life worth living. You can’t appreciate the overcoming of a struggle without first having to endure the struggle. A good relationship can’t truly be cherished until you have experienced a bad relationship.

For me, I don’t want to promise you that I will fix or have an answer to every life problem. I do want to promise to do my best to be there while you are going through life’s problems. I am not perfect, nor do I think you need to be perfect, but together we can do our best to make a perfect (complete) friendship. That is where I can be a great listener, give positive advice, and share new information that may work in your life. No spells, formulas, tricks, or bits. Just honest listening and not judging with healthy, positive dialogue.

The Student of Everything

My obsession with studying came from wanting to make sure I had the information to share with friends and family. I am not a college graduate. I did spend quite a few years in college, but I didn’t graduate. Remember, we listen and do not judge. I think one of the things that really stuck for me from college was to make sure I have Peer-Reviewed journals as a source of information. This was because the Peer-Reviewed Journals were academically reviewed and approved as a factual source. Thus began my journey into studying.

At the beginning of my studying journey was the Bible. I have been in church my entire life. I mean since I was 6, I was going to church by myself. This is not an exaggeration. So I studied the Bible from Genesis to Revelation; I used the Greek and Arabic books. I used the study Bibles and everything else you can think of. This led me to other subjects in sociology, finance, business, and life. The books range from Tiffany Aliche’s Get Good with Money, James Cone’s A Black Theology in Liberation, David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man, and Timothy Taylor’s Great Courses, Economics 3rd Edition.

I know, right about here someone is saying, “You just read a lot.” I would agree! I don’t even think I read enough. A lot of the concepts from these books, I would share with my friends. Concepts like a way to budget, or how we view theology from an African American perspective, or do we really have an idea about our economy? They would share that these are questions they never thought about asking or even had an answer to. This would spark more dialogue, and eventually, we would discover some help in their own lives. Not suggesting by any means that because I read a lot of books, I am an expert. I am a person that finds knowledge interesting. The first person I am trying to make better is myself. While I am doing the work to be a better person, I don’t mind sharing with you what I have learned or read. Together we can be better.

The “Life Coach” Debate

I feel like we look for experts versus the truth. Experts have gone through a process to learn about their area of expertise, but the certification of an expert is usually an expensive test to get the title. I don’t have an issue with that at all. Also, I understand that there may be more to it. My goal isn’t to dictate your path, but to lay out a very detailed map of landmarks and places to go. Then you can choose the direction and the path you want to go. I think that is why I felt more led to choose this path versus life coaching.

I know there is a process, and I have attended a few of the life coaching events. I have heard some of the prices can be expensive, and I know many of the Life Coaches explained the need for pricing. I don’t disagree with them. I only offer the alternative. For example, if you are trying to be a better husband, you could go and see a Life Coach that will give you tons of great advice, homework to do, and great follow-ups. My alternative is: did you know that just about every grocery store in America has flowers in the front of the store? You can literally buy her flowers every week. I know it is not super deep, but as a husband, no one ever told me to buy flowers weekly. That is an area I failed at and currently am working to improve. Just sharing what I have learned in my life to be better, and hoping it helps you to be better.

The Art of Listening

My time as a juvenile counselor was an amazing experience. I met some incredible people, while they helped me understand a better part of myself. Very early on, there was so much frustration in a lot of my clients. They were frustrated by being misunderstood, not heard, people assuming who they would be, etc. Something inside simply told me to listen. I listened and heard them express their truths and their present reality. I will suggest: don’t overlook your kids’ feelings, emotions, or their present reality. Even though we may know how the story will turn out, their reality is very present and so are the emotions. That is a lot for a person and can be scary when everyone is quick to say you are just a child and you will understand later.

Back to the topic, I think that is the first place I really honed my listening skills. Not listening to judge or have an opinion. Many times, I didn’t have anything to say. I continue this trait of listening with family and friends. With friends, they would just need to vent. After they get done venting, they would say, “I appreciate you listening and not having something to say. That made me feel like I had a chance to get stuff off my chest without being judged.” I would say, “Yeah, we all need a moment to just get it off the chest!”

My listening skills were further improved in my time in Dentistry. I had to present treatment to patients that needed treatment. As for me, I wanted to know your reasoning for coming in. Whether it was pain, trying to improve your life, etc., I began to really see the power of listening. Then many patients, friends, and family kept telling me that my ability to listen is crazy. Your ability to listen makes a person feel like they have a place to express themselves, and that was invaluable. Many patients would say I appreciate the conversation because it felt like I cared even if we could not move forward with treatment. They knew I cared. That’s when I started to think this listening ability may be a superpower. Now, how do I share that with the world? That is where “I Need a Brian” comes in. This is a place to be heard and not judged.

“I Need a Brian”

A good portion of my close friends are women. Let’s start the debate. I do believe in some cases men and women can be friends without intentions. Those ladies have children that are teenagers or young adults. The last 2 or 3 years, they started to tell me that the children would come to them in private and state how they appreciate our relationship. They were observing their parents’ reactions after we talk. They noticed that their parents were better after we talked. Then they would say, “I Need a Brian in my life.” Someone that I can just talk stuff out with.

At first, I would challenge them back with, “You don’t have anyone in your life that you can talk stuff out with?” Their response is, “No, we don’t have a Brian! We have people, but they are not Brian.” I would ask what makes Brian so special or different from other people. Their response: “You are kind. You are available. You are a positive spirit. You and my parents’ conversation seem so enlightening. I love the fact that you can just talk and express life.” I am not going to lie, this was a bit shocking. A little overwhelming. Like I’ve been saying, I don’t think there is a lot special to me other than just the will to listen.

There is enough negativity in the world. You don’t need another person telling you what you are doing wrong in the world. So I will approach everyone with the thought about what you do well. I try to describe your genuine traits and characteristics. Again, the children would say, “That is unique in this world, and that is what makes having a Brian special.”

Why This Blog Exists Now

There is a place to comment under each blog, which is a great place to dialogue about that specific blog. I would love to have some engaging and thoughtful conversation. I probably won’t respond to any negative comments, but I welcome them. We don’t have to all think the same. There are a multitude of ways to view everything.

Another way to contact me is to send me an email of a situation or topic you want me to talk about. Once that blog is posted, then we can have more dialogue in the comment sections. This may take some time, but this is the beginning. Once I get more established there will be some way for us to set up one-on-one sessions to have real-time dialogue. I have not begun to even think about how or what I would do with those, but feel free to send emails with suggestions. We are trying to get better together.

Conclusion

We do not have to agree on everything. The goal is for you to have a place to be heard. That is the service: to be heard. I do believe you being heard will create a space for you to feel seen. That will allow you to share thoughts, opinions, and questions. So please feel free to ask questions, share comments, and listen to some thoughts.

So, what’s on your mind? How has life been going?