The Faithful Woman and the Insecure Man: A Male Perspective

Dear Brian: As a faithful, loyal woman, how do you deal with an insecure man?

I have limited details to work with, but I will work with what I got. We need to identify the partners: The female is loyal and faithful. The partner she is dealing with is insecure. I assume that he does not believe that the female in this relationship is faithful or loyal.

The Two Perspectives

I would argue there are a few perspectives to look at. You at least have to view this through his lenses and hers.

The Anatomy of Male Insecurity

You might ask, where does this come from? Men can be insecure for a number of reasons. Men are dealing with healing from past trauma, social media influences, and some have decided to go with the “imposter syndrome.”

1. Past Trauma Past trauma is huge for men, and we don’t like to talk about it. We don’t talk about it because our fear is that it makes us look weak, and we hate to admit that we were taken advantage of in love. Whether that woman cheated, scammed him, played him, or in some cases abused him, we don’t like to admit that we were the victim. We feel like we are to blame.

2. Social Media Influence That blame is compounded by social media. On Instagram and TikTok, we see constant videos of men doing a variety of things for their women (i.e., buying cars, houses, and trips). Men begin to feel as though they have to compete against expectations that can be hard to produce.

3. Imposter Syndrome Ultimately, that leads to a lot of imposter syndrome. We as men feel we “lucked up” and got a high-value woman. Instead of enjoying that woman, we panic. We pretend to be what we think she wants to hear, say the things that she wants to hear, but often fall short of delivering on the promises. We do this because we fear that she will wake up and realize that she can do better.

Male insecurity is influenced by so many factors that many don’t even consider. There are very few places where a man can feel comfortable or his ego is made to feel secure. I would argue male insecurity is more deep-seated than people think.

Pro tip: The male ego is sensitive. If you invest in it, then it will grow. But if you violate it or hurt it, then it will shrink, and that is how you get an insecure man.

Ladies First: Don’t Waste Your Value

Ladies first! She is faithful and loyal. Faithful for me in terms of a relationship means not having sex outside of your relationship. According to this young lady, she does not do that.

I know there is a population of people that believe sex is not the only way to cheat outside of a relationship. That could be choosing your partner second while putting a friend first in terms of spending time via talking, texting, or hanging out. I assume this young lady is not doing that either, because she said she was loyal—which means she is putting him first in all aspects of her life.

So then why does he feel that she is not doing those things? From his perspective, he could feel like she is too friendly. Maybe he feels that she is more talkative, happy, or engaged when talking to other men that are not him. Maybe when he is with her, he feels like she has options to choose someone other than him and that all of this is a game.

Ultimately to get to the question: How do I deal with a man that is insecure?

These are my personal feelings on the matter. Keep in mind this perspective is coming from a man.

I feel like you have two amazing qualities: being faithful and being loyal. I hate seeing great feminine qualities wasted on men that have not figured themselves out. I feel like sometimes women stay with men that don’t appreciate their attributes.

Before the “simpin” comments start—I am only saying that a woman who is loyal and faithful offers high-value attributes. That means she is putting you as a high priority in her life, only for her to deal with someone who is repaying that with accusations all day. That is wild to me.

I know there are men that are desperately looking for a loyal and faithful woman. You don’t have to stay where what you are offering is not appreciated. You have value and a gift that men cherish. You should not waste that value on a person that has not developed themselves into the confident and secure man that you need.

The Root Problem: Men and Self-Development

The best thing for a man to do is spend time developing ourselves into secure men. A lot of the times we have been conditioned to compare ourselves to others. I personally feel like this is wrong and that we should start with developing things we like about ourselves.

A lot of times we don’t even know what we truly like; we only respond off what we want. We see a beautiful lady, we only know that we want her. Most times, we don’t have a clue about what we want to do with her. Do we want to marry her or just have sex with her? Often times questions like these are presented and we don’t know the answer.

• “I don’t want to marry her, I just met her…”
• “I don’t know the person she is or what she likes…”

Simultaneously, if you ask about sex then the answer is a little more cloudy. “Well I don’t want to say yes and be a jerk, but if she is willing then I might.” So I will say no, because the gentleman thing is to wait.

I feel like we should know our intentions for a woman before we even engage with her. That way when you get what you want, you can then learn how to take care of what you want. When you do that there is no room for insecurity. But if you don’t know yourself, then you will always feel like someone else is going to leave or betray you. That is not their fault—that is yours.

The Self-Sabotage Cycle

As for insecure men: Be careful in the words that you express. If you accuse a woman of leaving too often, and she does, that is not an indication that you were right. Rather, that is the prophecy coming to life after you kept repeating a prophetic utterance.

If you tell a person to leave so many times, they will get the idea that they are not wanted. That woman won’t always want to come back and reaffirm you. She will feel like her words have no meaning and that you don’t like her. Plus, don’t let a secure man come by and give her the affirmations and comfort that she desires.

You will think that you are right when she leaves. Nope—she didn’t leave, you pushed her out. In fact, you practically told her to get out and go to a man that is better than you because you don’t know how to treat her.

That is wild, because an honest conversation can change that. Telling her, “I am so lucky to have you in my life and I don’t want to mess the best thing up in my life” sounds a lot better than accusing her of always wanting to break up with you.

Identifying Red Flags vs. Yellow Flags

This is important to know. It will aid you in knowing when to stay or leave.

The Yellow Flags (Workable Insecurity) Is he the guy that gets jealous very easily? If he is able to admit that he is struggling in that area, then that is an opportunity to reinforce how great of a man he is in your life. Reaffirm his presence in your life. Trust me, a little goes a long way.

Often times an insecure man may even suggest that you go elsewhere to find better. That is not always a sign that he does not want you, but rather a cry for the need to be reaffirmed. He is looking for you to choose him again and again.

I can see someone reading this and saying, “Heck no! I ain’t doing all this for a male that is insecure.” I only push back in the most humble way and say: think about it. While you are thinking about reaffirming that insecure man, take notes to see if he is toxic.

The Red Flags (Toxic Control) A man that is toxic is a red flag for sure and indicates all signs for you to leave immediately. Examples of toxic men would be:

• Demanding the passwords to your phone.
• Asking who you are texting and why you are texting them.
• Isolating any other male friends and stating he is only your friend cause he wants to sleep with you.

(Side Note: Yes, I do believe men and women can be platonic friends and not have ulterior motives. One of my best friends is a woman, and I am grateful for how she impacted my life. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the opportunity to have sex. What she has added to my life is more valuable than sex.)

Back to toxic men: Name-calling or accusations are big red flags. Honestly, in my opinion, it is verbal abuse. No one should be called out of their name for any reason nor accused of sleeping around with multiple men. I mean, let us grow up for a moment. If a man is still counting the number of men you have slept with, then that is probably not a man you should sleep with.

When a man moves from insecurity to toxic, it is time to go. Definitely examine your own situation and see where that man ranks in your life. He might need more attention, or it might be time for you to pay attention and leave.

The Verdict

Keep it simple! As for my opinion, you sound like a great young lady. I don’t think you should waste your time with a guy that is insecure. Especially if you are holding it down and turning other guys away. I know the dating pool is small, but I feel like there are better fish in the sea.

I will say if you choose to stay with the guy, then I urge you to add patience to your attributes. A lot of it too! You will need it! He will at some point start to self-develop and realize his ways. We as men are slow, we miss context clues all day, but when we lock in and know, then we are a different breed.

What Patience Actually Looks Like

What does patience look like? Patience will come in many forms. I often feel like patience will come in the form of tests. The best way to beat a test is to stop it before it happens.

1. Compliment Him (Often) Use constant compliments on physical appearance. “Hey, are you losing weight? You look great! Sexy!”

Compliment his actions, whether he builds a house, fixes a door, changes a tire, or cooks a meal. These are all opportunities to execute compliments.

• “This house is very well built, excellent job!”
• “I have my own personal handyman, and he is good!”
• “I don’t know how to change a tire, because my man does it for me!”
• “No I don’t eat out a lot, My man is a great chef and his meals are 5-star delicious.”

Embellish if you need to! Remember our egos are sensitive. You tell us these great things and we will strive to be better. If you tell a man that is trying that he is doing an amazing job, he will try 10x harder.

2. The Validation Sandwich If your insecure man is an accuser! Sometimes you may have to let the argument simmer down and come back to him when things are peaceful. Use a gentle and soft tone, telling him:

“I love you, but I cannot keep getting accused of being with my Ex. I understand why you might be concerned, but I am all about you. You have nothing to worry about.”

Then tell him how he makes you feel. This would be a good time to know his love language. If you are not sure what his love language is, here is a quick tip: Most people show love in the way they expect it to be received back. If he likes Words of Affirmation, then usually he is trying to reaffirm you through words. If he likes Acts of Service, then he is often doing things for you because that is how he shows love.

3. Privacy vs. Transparency For the insecure man, wanting to know everything is tough. I am a firm believer in the responsibility of the truth. Simply put, that means you have to decide what truths a person can truly handle and the time in when they can handle them.

No, this is not lying, but rather smart thinking. If you meet someone today and share you have had 47 partners in your life, while they have had only 1… that may be a lot to take in on Day 1. That same conversation could be viewed differently after a few weeks. That is not leading a person on; that is balancing privacy vs. transparency. Everyone says they can handle the truth, but honestly, the truth makes us feel uncomfortable. Choose the right time to share with your partner the private parts of your life.

A Sidebar for the Men: Simp vs. King

My brothers, we have a lot to work on. I feel like one of the first things is admitting that we have things to work on. Admitting that you have weaknesses is not a flaw; that is actually strength. The courage to admit to others that you have areas you are working on is a true sign of a leader.

Feminine energy wants to be led! Leadership discussions amongst men should be uplifting. We have to stop suggesting that men that cater to women are “Simps.” Don’t get me wrong, I think there is a place and application for the title Simp. I just feel like we should be very careful who we apply that word to.

Having a universal usage of the word Simp discourages men from doing things like taking care of a woman. Taking care of a woman doesn’t mean being the sole financial provider for her. That is a social media concept that is pushed on men.

As a leader, you have to lead her in various areas of her life. We lead women into safety, love, comfort, peace, and happiness. We reaffirm her femininity. The more she is allowed to be feminine, then the more you are the recipient of that femininity. We often hear women wanting to be in their “Soft-Girl Era.” That is because women don’t want to have to be the man. We have dropped the ball, and for many women, they had to pick it up.

I feel like we can change that and usher in an era of Soft-Girl women. We just have to help ourselves be better. Every day is an opportunity to be a better man. Instead of downplaying another man’s masculinity, we should uplift, encourage, and celebrate that man’s masculinity.

Share tips on ways that we can reaffirm our women that they are beautiful, smart, and loving people. No, we should not objectify their bodies or reduce a woman down to sex. That doesn’t mean we have to lie about what we want; often times she wants it too. Just don’t make it the first thing you want. There is more to her than sex; take a few minutes to get to know her and she might share with you her most intimate self.

Again, that ain’t Simping! That is King action. You are taking time to know her before you ravage her. Plus, once you know her, then you can appreciate her daily. Bring flowers weekly, help out with cleaning chores, tell her how good she looks, or how good she smells.

Get creative, and know that your words have power. Instead of complaining about your insecurities, you can use your words to firm up her securities. If you do it right and often, she will bless you beyond your imagination.